My life is a blend of strange and fantastic, but mostly strange. If have children, and they read this... well, they'll know this is all the truth. Honestly, nothing extraordinarily amazing ever happened because of me, but I'm sure something ordinarily amazing will happen because of me. Something like the sun rising. Actually, I think I'm getting "ordinary" and "extraordinary" confused. Perhaps the sun rising is more extraordinary than any Academy Award or Pulitzer Prize or whatever people store impossible dreams in.
I wish I could record my entire life in vivid detail, or at least a lot of it. I don't know why. Sometimes I think I have missed something, some little detail in the past, and if I could find that detail I could figure everything out. But that's probably not true, so I should set my heart in the future.
If I backtrack though, on what I just said, maybe that's not true. The past defines us just as much as the future does, it's like we have the personification of Past and Future playing tug-o-war with our souls. Future is trying to drag us forward, and Past is tapping us on the shoulder telling us not to forget. If I stop struggling, maybe I can find a peaceful swaying between the two, learning and remembering Past, honoring the Past, preparing for the Future, and enjoying the Present.
If you thought that was meant to be deep, it wasn't. I just have a habit on pontificating-- I want to know the truth. And it's terrible to ask people what the truth is because everyone is so sure. They are so positive that the advice they are dishing out is "right". That's why I rarely give out advice. I just try to point people in the direction that they might be happiest in.
Luckily, I don't think I really seek an audience anymore. I'm just trying to figure out what it is I'm thinking by writing it out. Except, when I write it out it turns into a bigger mess, but at least it's a linear mess. I can figure out where everything went wrong. That's a myth though, it's a myth someone put into my head, but I don't think there's much wrong with me. Sure, there's probably not anything right either, but the world right now is just from Alisha's eyes. No matter how much empathy I'll try to conjure from the depths of my soul.
Now on that note, I think this is my best mentally. Not my best physically, nor my best in my life ever. But right now, I am managing. I am not in a heap crying and babbling about demons in my stomach. Quite seriously, this is an improvement. I'm writing, and at least making sense to myself. Some people win Academy Awards at twenty, I'm happy I'm not institutionalized at the moment.
Right now, if I weren't on the computer I would be sitting, not standing, where the sea and land meet from the eyes of the stars. I would be watching the sea as it moved back and forth. And there would be no Past reminding me of what's wrong with me, and no Future warning me of the woes that will cascade on me like a million bricks when I'm older and wearier. Sometimes, on days like this, I'm so surprised because I feel dirty to my core, that life would be so kind to me, so gracious. But I guess it hasn't always been like this.
I wish I could record my entire life in vivid detail, or at least a lot of it. I don't know why. Sometimes I think I have missed something, some little detail in the past, and if I could find that detail I could figure everything out. But that's probably not true, so I should set my heart in the future.
If I backtrack though, on what I just said, maybe that's not true. The past defines us just as much as the future does, it's like we have the personification of Past and Future playing tug-o-war with our souls. Future is trying to drag us forward, and Past is tapping us on the shoulder telling us not to forget. If I stop struggling, maybe I can find a peaceful swaying between the two, learning and remembering Past, honoring the Past, preparing for the Future, and enjoying the Present.
If you thought that was meant to be deep, it wasn't. I just have a habit on pontificating-- I want to know the truth. And it's terrible to ask people what the truth is because everyone is so sure. They are so positive that the advice they are dishing out is "right". That's why I rarely give out advice. I just try to point people in the direction that they might be happiest in.
Luckily, I don't think I really seek an audience anymore. I'm just trying to figure out what it is I'm thinking by writing it out. Except, when I write it out it turns into a bigger mess, but at least it's a linear mess. I can figure out where everything went wrong. That's a myth though, it's a myth someone put into my head, but I don't think there's much wrong with me. Sure, there's probably not anything right either, but the world right now is just from Alisha's eyes. No matter how much empathy I'll try to conjure from the depths of my soul.
Now on that note, I think this is my best mentally. Not my best physically, nor my best in my life ever. But right now, I am managing. I am not in a heap crying and babbling about demons in my stomach. Quite seriously, this is an improvement. I'm writing, and at least making sense to myself. Some people win Academy Awards at twenty, I'm happy I'm not institutionalized at the moment.
Right now, if I weren't on the computer I would be sitting, not standing, where the sea and land meet from the eyes of the stars. I would be watching the sea as it moved back and forth. And there would be no Past reminding me of what's wrong with me, and no Future warning me of the woes that will cascade on me like a million bricks when I'm older and wearier. Sometimes, on days like this, I'm so surprised because I feel dirty to my core, that life would be so kind to me, so gracious. But I guess it hasn't always been like this.
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